CAN YOU SAY........... REALITY CHECK?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!...... WOW!

Okay, so I went to church this morning. I knew that God had something for me.

I was determined last night that I was going to be delivered from the place I'm in emotionally, physically, spiritually and financially. I was determined to get whatever I need to walk into a place of peace.

So I got up this morning, prepared myself for church, and because it was raining I was trying to decide whether to go or not. One mind was saying well, no one else is going so you can sleep in too, and the other mind was saying, no one else needs to be in there with you, you can still go.

So I got dressed and I went.. I'm so glad I did, God has a message for me. Now a little background on this..

I have been praying for deliverance, I have been praying for peace, I have been praying for change, advancement and healing.  I've been tempted to write the Bishop or call for that matter and ask him to pray for me.

Every Sunday, I pray that the opportunity arises for prayer and I will be there. I missed one opportunity, but I think I was supposed to.

I've been asking God, what am I doing so wrong, why is it that I can't get ahead, why can't I shed the past. Why am I still being hurt by. Why is it that I love others more than I love myself. WHY, WHY, WHY, WHY, WHY, WHEN, WHEN, WHEN, WHEN, WHEN.

Well, everything  I had been praying and asking was answered on TODAY!

The message was - "Strategically Moving Forward" Joshua 1:2-9

Now this was a continuation of the past 3 weeks, but TO ME, this was powerful.

Message from Bishop Alan G. Porter

Now step 1 is - I MUST DEAL WITH REDEFINING WHO I AM...

• This means that how I've been acting may not be who I was designed to be.  I wasn't being myself, I was acting like somebody else.
• This means, where I was before has qualified me for constant movement.
• Deliverance and Freedom are two different things..
• Deliverance means - removed from, Freedom means - liberated - I AM FREE TO WALK INTO MY FUTURE.
• Deliverance brings me out - this is  a work of God
• Freedom takes me in - this is my decision, my work.

~ He says don't be afraid for more than you asked for
~You must look at yourself in a brand new way
~The new place requires new instruction

STEP 2 - I MUST ALSO GO THROUGH RESTRUCTURING AND RESHAPING

~ I am ALWAYS bigger than where I am..

• Don't get stuck with what was has to be
• We need to start challenging some of the things we do with WHY.

1.                 Why is this relevant in my life
2.                 Why do I keep doing this
3.                 Why is this a problem
4.                 Why, why, why, why, why....

• Ask yourself why.
• However, Restructuring can be painful sometimes.
• Sometimes during the restructuring process, God may add something to your life or He might take away something from your life.

STEP 3 - YOU MUST GO THROUGH RETOOLING

• Reorganizing
• Rearranging
• Replacing
• Fear and doubt must be replaced with strength and courage
• New orders require retooling for a new journey
• With vision people forget where they have been
• Vision keeps you moving forward.

This is all relevant for the following reasons.

1. We tend to want the preacher to pray for us, but we have to pray with FAITH.
2. We pray for deliverance, we already have it, we have to change our way of thinking and being.
3. As much as it may hurt, we have to stop holding on to people and things that will disturb and distract us
4. We have to pray and ask God's will . Our will has to match up with His will.

 Now, I can tell you why I'm excited. I'm excited because you never know how God is going to respond. Alot of times we pray and we expect God to answer us in "His voice". When we get quiet in prayer and meditation. Or we expect to open our bibles and see the answer staring us in the face.

But when your SPECIFIC prayer to God is answered in this manner. When your entire conversation with God was carried our in that manner then you KNOW that what God is saying was meant for you.

NOW, the hard part is going to be this, I have to change who I am completely. WHY? because how I am right now is not who I was designed to be.

So, its in the making...

Staying in prayer...

AS YET UNTITLED

There are alot of things going through my head right now, so I'll start at the beginning.

Church was very good this morning. We had a small ceremony honoring the "Legacies" of the church. These are the people who have been in the church 25 years or more.  I'm not sure if I've been there 25 years or not, but most of the faces I remember from when I was a child.

There was a deacon honored for 93 years of service. Now, this came with mixed emotions. None of them negative, however mixed. See, I remember when this man was able to walk to the front of the church and stand with the other deacons. I remember when he could stand up on his own and lift his hands.

He came in today and was pushed in, in a wheelchair, with another holding his legs up. He could barely walk in the pew and there were already 4 people trying to help him in his seat. I fought back tears. Looking at where this man is was to where he is now, and I continued to fight back tears. Not tears of sadness, but tears of joy.

Here is a man that God has allowed a long life, and even in his old age, he still serves God. He could have been one of the elders that curse, smokes, drinks and living out his last days the wrong way, but he manages to make it into the house of the Lord on Sunday. So this said to me, if this man can do it, why can't I.

Some Sundays I make an excuse to sleep late, or promise the Lord that I will read and listen to Joyce Meyer, Creflo Dollar and Charles Stanley... which I do, but being sleepy is not a reason to stay home from church.

If we look at all the times we go to work sleepy and have to stay there 9 hours or more, but we can't go to church for 3 and at least stay awake???????

I have learned something valuable today. My lesson for today was to never take life for granted. People die everyday. Some people die before they take their first breath in this world, some die shortly after. Some people die unfortunately as children or teens. Some die long painful deaths from disease, young or old. Some live a fairly decent life and make it to an older age, but some live, like this man, to be old, but still in his right mind.

He made need help with things, simple things, like dressing, bathing, even putting shoes on, but he is alive and still praising God.

God if you see fit, allow me some of the time this man has, and grant me peace and wisdom, so that my life and my experience will be a testimony.

FORGIVENESS

I was sitting on my bed and as usual, I should have logged the computer off because I had nothing to do, but I went roaming as usual.

Well as I was roaming, Healing through Forgiveness pops in my head. So the first place I go is to the bible. We know there are several verses in the bible about healing, and there are several about forgiveness, but what does it say about healing through forgiveness. Well I didn't find one specific verse that related to what I was saying, but I know its God.

I believe that what we need, God will give it to you, one way or another. I truly believe that God is moving in my life greatly.

I have to confess that I truly do hold alot of animosity for alot of people. Alot of relatives, alot of people.

With my relatives, I hate for my family to be divided, BUT, when you've been made to feel like you are not as "good" as the others, then you feel like an outcast. When you are around them, they have very little to say, they exclude you from family functions and unless you're in their face, you can't get as much as a hello. The most hurtful part of that is you know you've tried - in the past- to make the first move, maybe just maybe, they don't know how you feel. Maybe they feel like YOU don't want to be bothered, so you step out, and try to blend in, but no matter what.... You aren't like them. So you find that you may be surrounded about 10 people, but in 10 minutes, you will be standing alone. Sure enough, when you get that sentence out in your head, you are standing in that very room alone.

You get your keys, and although you shouldn't, out of consideration,  you say your goodbye's and you leave. No need in being at a family function and you are the only relative that you seem to be spending time with. right????

I haven't had the best life, but I haven't had the worse one either. Alot of situations I've been in, I caused my own heartache, but me being me, I've allowed alot of it too.. Thats only because I'm not one to love on occasion, when its convenient or to be a part of. I love from the heart. So I'm selective.

Not going to spill my life story, because its much like others, from relationship to relationship, betrayal and deceit, hurt is hurt, no matter who gives it, when you get or how. It hurts.......

The one thing I have yet to learn, but its coming, I can feel it, is to LET GO!.

I'm one of those people who never learned how to let go of anything. I am holding on to hurt, jealousy, betrayal, deceit, loss etc, from as far back as I can remember. So when I say I am truly holding on to the past, I am holding on to the past. I'm pretty sure once all the baggage is gone, I will be that 80 pounds lighter, but I know its a process.

So my beginning, is to say that to all of those people who have hurt me, whether you knew you were doing it or not. To all those people who used me, lied to me, betrayed me, deceived me, the works... With the help of God and constant prayer... I'm going to forgive you.

I can't make it to heaven, nor can I prosper if I can't and don't forgive you. So I FORGIVE YOU. To those I've hurt, lied to, deceived, or betrayed.. I'm sorry. I'm truly sorry. Whether I knew what I was doing or not, I apologize.

To God, anything I've said or done, anything I've accused you of, everything I've done that was not pleasing to you, I'm sorry. God I know you look at the heart, so if you look at mine you'll see that none of my intentions were to disobey you or hurt you and I'm sorry.

NEW BEGINNINGS

My Struggle is Over

Went to church today... Very good service.

You know, it is so funny, but when you need a word from God, the preacher looks directly at you, almost makes eye contact, but they say, "I don't know who this is for"....... I love it.

Anyone that knows me, knows that I have had a rough 2 years, and last night, I know it had to be God, but I got this boost of confidence and determination, and I sat on my bed, I prayed to God and I said, Lord, I trust you. I'm coming out of this. I claim my breakthrough.

Today, the Lord spoke loud and clear, and a few things he brought a few things to light that I have truly been fighting with.

1) YOU CAN'T MAKE PEOPLE LOVE YOU - I am the type of person who has a genuine love for people. I don't say I love you unless I mean it, and this year, I've been hurt. I've been betrayed. I've been lied to and lied on and it hurts. I have spent so many nights crying and praying, asking God to remove the hurt, to give me peace, because my conscience knows that I have not done what I have been accused of, therefore I don't have to hide, or tell a lie to cover a lie. I know that I have been True to myself and I have been true to others. I've apologized for things I ahven't done, and I have taken the blame, just to keep those I love close to me.  But today, GOD said, you can't make people love you - which I already knew, but I think I really needed to hear it again.

2) YOUR CRYING STOPS NOW - He said, you shouldn't have to spend your life crying. He said it doesn't matter what you're crying about, romance, finance - whatever... He said, what you sow in tears you will reap in joy. Your sorrow should be equal to your joy.

3) KEEP YOUR HANDS UP - He said, keeping your hands up mean 3 things:
             1) I SURRENDER - it means, God you win. I can't fight  no more, we do it your way.
             2) IT'S OVER - this means, I'm done, bottom line. I throw my hands up cause this is over, I'm not doing it anymore.
             3) I WORSHIP - This means I worship you Lord, I praise you Lord, I lift my hands to you.


For a long time I was like a lot of people who felt like the presence of God was only felt through a select people and I wasn't one of them. I thought that I could pray hard, tithe and believe in God a he would provide the things I needed.

At this point in my life, I have learned what it TRULY means to trust and depend on God for everything. When you have "no worries" or "very little" and when you don't think you "need" God for anything, then you respond to worship differently, you respond to the whole concept differently.

When you are in a position where you see no other way, you don't have anything and you don't see the light, then you truly learn what it is to lean on God. You truly learn the importance of "serving God the right way". 

Well God said my Struggle is over. I claim it, I receive it and I thank God for it.
                                    
                                                             

My Apology

Hey You,

I woke up this morning and decided today was the day I would apologize to you, for everything I've done.

I never truly meant to hurt you, I just didn't know what I was doing.

I'm sorry for lying to you, at the time I honestly thought I was right. I thought my decisions would be good for both of us, I never stopped to get your opinion, your thoughts or your feelings.

I'm sorry for the abuse.  The physical abuse, the mental abuse and the emotional abuse. You are not stupid, you are not dumb, you aren't ugly, nor are you worthless. I know after hearing this so long from me, you started to believe it. You started acting it out, and now, I can't get you to believe otherwise........OH and by the way, you're not fat, I just told you that you were because I didn't have anything nice to say.

I''m sorry for the scars, I knew you really wanted to lovve someone and they love you back, so to fulfill your desire, I placed people in your life, time after time so you wouldn't be lonely. In my way of thinking, a temporary love was better than none at all. Didn't realize that would your you more than it would help. Didn't realize that the pain was building up.

I'm sorry for all the times I made you cry. I figured after all the damage I'd caused, if you had a few good cries, then you could recover from it all, only, once again, I was wrong.  The tears didn't wash away the pain, it just gave a temporary release to keep you from losing your mind.

Lastly, I'm sorry for everything I've done that I'm not aware of. Sometimes I've been careless and knew about it, other times, I have been insensitive, selfish, stubborn, controlling, unreasonable, and just overall mean.

So as I stand here in front of you, with tears in my eyes, humility in my heart, and a true and honest love for you, I ask you to please forgive me. I've come to realize that you are stronger than I gave you credit for, you are much wiser than I'd give you to be.

I'm sorry, I am truly sorry, I don't want to lose you, so from this point on, we do things your way... I support you.. I love you, more than you'll ever know. So I'm asking you, if you can find it in you heart to forgive me? Let me prove myself better to you...

~As I stand there nervously, afriad of the response, I'm looking into your eyes, there is a sadness and a joy, there is pain, but there is laughter~

Well.........

Several moments have passed, and you have yet to give me an answer, and I got to go.... But as I get ready to walk away... The woman looking back at me in the mirror says...

Yes......I forgive you


©2011 Ms Jae